I’ve been absent from the blogging world for about a month now.
While I love writing, updating my site, and tech, I do love simply living more.
This break has allowed me travel, spend time with friends, family and pick up new talents and be more creative. I’d say I’m happier.
So much has happened in a month, I’ve gone to New York for the first time in my life, navigated subways, walked more than I ever have, spent time with my family, unplugged from social media, had a true vacation from work, quit a side-gig, and started painting. (Yea, random).This has been the first time in two years that I haven’t been working multiple jobs over a Christmas break, and I feel lighter.
Since last year, I’ve been making it a goal to check my work-a-holic ways. I realize now when I take on extra responsibility, it’s not because I’m a natural leader, it’s because I’m terrified of being bored.
What will happen if I don’t have anything to do for ten minutes in my day? I used to think that would mean never getting hired, being perceived as lazy and losing opportunities to make money.
I looked up to perpetually busy women. That’s who I wanted to be, a person who never took a break. Breaks are for the weak, I thought. I’m going to be a powerhouse, a dynamo, someone who intimidates and builds a legacy.
I never even knew what that legacy would be, though.
Crying every night from stress? Using every Saturday writing articles and hounding people for quotes? Falling into traps of panicking and becoming increasingly paranoid at everyone’s motives?
A legacy of hurting–that’s what my mission looked like.
I’m getting closer and closer to realizing my passions. Somedays it is working and loving my job. Some days it’s daydreaming of becoming a counselor; some days it’s day dreaming of having a family and having free time to support my loved ones.
To me, that is no longer a shameful goal. Maybe this is all my inner spouting of privilege. I don’t enjoy working my mind to shreds, and I’ve decided I won’t do it anymore. Or maybe, I’m realizing that a culture of becoming intoxicated off everything imaginable, including work, is nothing more than pursuing money for the sake of an “f-you” to an imaginary entity.
I don’t want that anymore. I want peace, love, and a personal life that means more to me than anything an office could offer.